Feeling Down
I often get the response: "you sound down in your blog" and the truth is I definitely have my ups and downs, and that's okay. It's more or less inevitable in this situation. It would be fatalistic on my own part to be constantly upbeat while experiencing the realities of this experience. On a day to day basis I incur moments and things that I only read about in my former life: neglected and malnourished children, people dying horrific deaths from seemingly preventable diseases, racial tensions and attitudes to such a degree that I am constantly shocked by them and can only compare to the behavior of the Ku Klux Klan in the U.S. All of these aspects compound in my daily life creating a sensibility of downtrodden emotions.
Most of us, as volunteers, ride a roller coaster of emotions. Currently, I'm having lunch in a cafe, yesterday I saw Tsotsi, last night I dressed up and went for cocktails. I had no desire to be anywhere but South Africa, incurring these experiences. Similarly, when I'm playing soccer with the girls or playing boards games with the Khutsos' then I have no regrets about being here. Yet, things aren't always this upbeat. I deal with lackluster schools and mediocre teachers. I see bright, diligent children who will probably never escape the confines of village life because they're afforded so little opportunity. At some point, it becomes overwhelming, sometimes unbearable, and a sense of impending failure manages to drown my idealistic outlook on the state of life.
Peace Corps Medical Staff classifies the majority of volunteers as sufferers of mild depression. It's not that we all want to run home, we're simply all trying to define ourselves in a lifestyle drastically different from anything we have previously experienced. Most of us know why we're here and are committed to those reasons, but occasionally, we do need the allowance of being overwhelmed and being downtrodden for the soul reason of being real.
Most of us, as volunteers, ride a roller coaster of emotions. Currently, I'm having lunch in a cafe, yesterday I saw Tsotsi, last night I dressed up and went for cocktails. I had no desire to be anywhere but South Africa, incurring these experiences. Similarly, when I'm playing soccer with the girls or playing boards games with the Khutsos' then I have no regrets about being here. Yet, things aren't always this upbeat. I deal with lackluster schools and mediocre teachers. I see bright, diligent children who will probably never escape the confines of village life because they're afforded so little opportunity. At some point, it becomes overwhelming, sometimes unbearable, and a sense of impending failure manages to drown my idealistic outlook on the state of life.
Peace Corps Medical Staff classifies the majority of volunteers as sufferers of mild depression. It's not that we all want to run home, we're simply all trying to define ourselves in a lifestyle drastically different from anything we have previously experienced. Most of us know why we're here and are committed to those reasons, but occasionally, we do need the allowance of being overwhelmed and being downtrodden for the soul reason of being real.
posted by Cait at 1:21 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Cait,
I feel you on this one. My Dad especially used to comment that I sounded "down" in my blog. Most of my down moments came when I was living in Chimoio, not a village but just as oppressive in the sense that people there will likely never get out to a more promising life. I also shared a house with 5 other people and that, more than rural Africa, was what made me feel insane and depressed at times.
The hardest part for me about people's comments that I "seemed down" was that there seemed to be no middle ground. If I was down and depressed, I should come home. If I was happy, I should stay in MZ. I certainly don't see it that way, but it's hard to convey the value of a difficult experience when it is so different from anybody else's frame of reference...
Have a good weekend!
Cheers,
Ali
Cait, Maybe it's just a culture gap thing. There is a cultural peppy imperative to be "up" in the USA, or something is not just wrong but BAD! Being down threatens other people who are "happy, happy" more easily in the USA. My brother has a theory that whoever and wherever you are (he's nomadic too) people divide life into 2. The good bit and the bad bit. It's all relative. For many in Africa just waking up on the right side of the dirt (on top rather than buried0 is cause for being "up" so being "down" is relative too.
For us, RETURNING to the USA after being in South Africa was the hardest, most bummed out time. we were returning to a known situation with very few surprises. The "shock" was how much commerce affected every human interaction, that we had to be on time to social occasions, the seeming lack of expression of everyday joy that you find everywhere, even in an Aids ward in Africa but is so very rare here in the USA. How much more in our heads we live in the USA and how relative wealth, independence and commerce separates community into a more private agony with a happy face. In Africa you can't do that much, everyone knows your business and so you roll with it and so "being down" is less threatening and scary.
the hardest thing is to just be! I love your stuggles, they are so worth it! Be well, be down, be up, whatever!
M
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