Conundrum

I inevitably find that if something here goes incredibly well….something equally as horrifying will result, popping my bubble of positive euphoria, and bringing me back down to the realities of the world.

Yesterday I received a package from my master teacher with whom I taught at the end of last school year, Mrs.Ehrisman, containing pen pal letters from her second grade class. Frankly, they were adorable especially coming to Africa and contained such lines as: “I like to find new words in the dictionary and learn what they mean.” “My favourite zoo animal is a zebra.” “I have an Uncle Ramon that lives next to the dollar tree.” “I like to play soccer. Soccer is a sport.” In addition, she also included many photos including one that showed her bulletin board with the letters displayed that I had written to her class. It felt bizarre, yet amazing, to see my life here on show over there. Finally, she included two books to add to my library project here, one being The Giving Tree.

Today I took The Giving Tree to a kindergarten class and read it to the students while the teacher translated. We did a lot of hand motions to help increase understanding: climbing the tree, swinging from the branches, eating the apples. It was so genuinely fun, and the children were enjoying themselves to such a degree that I could be nothing short of thrilled.

In addition, I am having a Grade 7 class respond to her class’s letters (I have to use older children in order for the response to be in English) and am making the equivalent of a bulletin board with the letters from the U.S. I am incorporating a geography lesson as well as an English lesson to accomplish this task. I was so genuinely excited about the prospect of being in the classroom with the students last night that I couldn’t wait for today to come. As much as I often deny wanting to be a teacher anymore, I am still incredibly at home and happy in a classroom. Undeniably, if it weren’t for bureaucracy, I would admit that teaching is my calling.

Further adding to my growing amount of tasks today was a request from the Grade 3 teachers to assist them with a contest. Our district is having a “design a playground” competition where the winners will receive a “fun day.” It was so enjoyable to work with third graders while they diligently worked in groups dreaming up their ideas of a perfect playground. They were all so unique seeing as many of these children had never seen play equipment before. I thought it was a great activity for their creativity and imagination.

After all that, a general feeling of euphoria overtook my state of being. I casually and happily strolled back to the office stealing glances into classrooms as I went. As I walked by the Grade 1 classroom I noticed the teacher going around beating children with rulers. I have no idea what the children did, but I get the feeling it was probably for working more slowly than the others. As American teachers often choose group leaders it seemed she was choosing a member from each group to make an example of. All I wanted to do was yell “Stop, what the hell do you think you’re doing!! It is absolutely illegal for you to hit a learner.” Yet, my problem is I can’t afford to make enemies. I am caught in such a conundrum. Yes, morally I wish I could do it, but at the same time I know if I were to say something it would stop for that moment but I’m only at the school on average of three-four days per two weeks. As soon as I left it would continue. If I were to yell at her she would shut down and probably have a number of other teachers back her against me: meaning that I would lose my ability to assist her in improving her teaching and maybe my ability to assist other teachers as well, due to the backlash.

I find it frustrating how often I find myself in these situations. If I were in the U.S. there are so many reactions I would have immediately, but here I jeopardize both my safety as well as the ability to have teacher’s take me seriously and legitimately. Like on the taxi coming home from Nelspruit this week, a man was pretending to be asleep while trying to rub my leg. I shifted a few times, and it didn’t stop, so finally I took his hand and placed it on his lap. I was dying to scream at him but at the same time becoming confrontational with a strange man can have dire consequences. Once again I censored myself and felt worse afterwards.

How is it that I balance my virtues with reality? How much do I risk losing compared to how much I can gain in certain instances? This may be the biggest struggle I deal with here…trying to find equilibrium when really I wish I could start so many things with a clean slate.